In pursuit of Depth

For much of my life, I have lived on the surface, avoiding deep thought and reflection. This realization struck me after finishing Cal Newport’s book Deep Work. In my life, I have often been going through the motions without really giving much thought or care to understanding things on a fundamental level. I just always accepted things as a matter of truth or not. Now, in my 20s, I see how this mindset has hindered my ambition to become a “principled programmer”—a goal that demands depth and focus.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a “lazy ambitious” person. To put this into context, a lazy ambitious person is someone who has the desire to succeed without putting in the effort required.
I describe myself as lazy ambitious because, while I never struggled in school, I also never worked hard enough to excel. During my childhood in Italy, as the child of immigrant parents, my grades hovered around 7s and 8s (on a scale of 4 to 10). This was good, especially since I had been in the country for just over a year and had to quickly adapt to the Italian education system and language. Yet, I rarely studied after school, driven more by a lack of interest and passion than by any difficulty in understanding.

Mathematics was my nemesis. I always detested it, shunned it—it was the source of all my problems at the time. I was convinced it had no place in my future career. This was wishful thinking. Unlike other subjects, where I could coast by with minimal effort, math required deep understanding and practice—efforts I was unwilling to invest. My grades reflected this resistance, consistently hovering around 5s and 6s, occasionally dipping to a dismal 4.

At the ripe age of 21, I have come to terms with this problem, but it did not come easy for me. It has been something I have always avoided, but coming to the UK may have been a blessing in disguise.

I had to sit exams for the subject I dreaded the most in order to pursue my dream of going to university and becoming a “good contributor to the world of software engineering.” I studied and studied, which led me to pass the exam—not with the best grade, but maybe, just maybe, because I still did not go deep enough. I was devoid of any curiosity and just saw that math exam as a hurdle to jump, putting in the least amount of effort needed to jump high enough to overcome it.

Programming has been transformative for me. It has instilled an appreciation for depth and taught me that failure is not the end but an opportunity to learn and approach challenges with fresh insight. It has sparked an interest in the mathematical underpinnings of computer science, for which I must thank some of my lecturers at university. Although this might not be read by many people, I think this is a letter to my present and future self—to keep on living a focused and deep life—searching for meaning in the meaningless, striving for wisdom and knowledge that will be beneficial to humanity as a whole.

Toward the end of last year, I read the book of Ecclesiastes, where King Solomon writes in chapter 9: “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.” This verse struck the right chord in me, nudging me to abandon the “lazy ambitious” trope. It reminded me that nothing worth pursuing comes easily—a lesson I seem to have learned at the right moment.

This is an ode to myself and anyone who might have been feeling what I have described.
I have now attained clarity with how I want to lead my life—in my career, my learning, my relationships, and my goals. As Winifred Gallagher put it so elegantly: “I’ll live the focused life, because it’s the best kind there is.” This is the truth of the matter. With this commitment to depth and purpose, I will move forward, ready to embrace the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead.

If you are still reading, I commend you. Always remember that God is with you and will guide you. Seek Him, and He will make Himself manifest to you.